Ditch the Resentment

Seriously, run from resentment like your life depends on it.  Demand that it gets out of your heart. 

It creates a dark pit inside of you full of negativity. 

Even for those of us who have good relationships with our stepchild’s other parent, we all have those moments… The moments I am talking about are the ones of bitterness.

However, I have a little life hack to share with you regarding that.  Hang tight. 

When going through a rough patch, sometimes our heads get the best of us and rob us of any joy we have.

Let’s avoid that cycle of negativity. 

Have you ever caught yourself getting frustrated with your step child and thought to yourself, “its because of you that _____ (fill in your own blank)?” 

I am not proud, but I am human and want to be transparent that I have done that.  My blank that I have entered is that we live in a state that we do not care for and cannot live out the farming lifestyle we crave.

Is that true though?

Is it her fault that we can’t live where we want to live?  No.  It absolutely is not.

You guys, I don’t want you to miss this part.

DO NOT RESENT your stepchild for choices that they did NOT make. 

Do not grow anger towards those innocent little humans.  They do NOT deserve that. 

Your relationship does not deserve that.  Your relationship between you and your stepchild, as well as between you and your spouse.  Do not bring that frustration toward them.  Just don’t. 

I am speaking from experience; please just learn from my mistakes.  I don’t want that to sound cliché… I just so badly want you to be able to avoid any tension between people that you love.

While I am at it, do NOT do this to your husband either.  He doesn’t want to be reminded of certain choices that have been made.

Guess what though?  You got the opportunity to choose to marry them and their kiddo.  Or kiddos. 

One sermon at our church months ago was about forgiveness.  I had never thought of it before, but I felt after that sermon that I needed to forgive my husband for choices that were made years before we even met. 

I had always felt like the only person that made these choices was my stepchild’s mother.  So I had anger toward her.  (Not fair, I know)

My husband has apologized for how things turned out on multiple occasions.  Did he really owe it to me to apologize for things that happened prior to us meeting?  Probably not.  Yet he is a sweetheart and he cares enough to say that he is sorry.  Seriously… bless his heart for that.

I did need to forgive him.  I believe that it was a breakthrough.  For him, for me, for us. 

This forgiveness left my heart feeling refreshed.  This was another way to allow growth in our relationship and my relationship with my stepdaughter. 

Ultimately, we thank God very frequently for the hardships that have come from our testimonies to place us exactly where we are today. 

You know what is cool?  Jesus.  Jesus is cool.  He brings light to dark situations, He IS the light. 

Be in communication with him and see what happens.  Tell him your heart, and ask him for guidance. 

When I did that, He reminded me that He does not set us up for failure.  He puts people in our path and puts us in positions that we CAN endure. 

When you are feeling inadequate for your stepchild, that you aren’t fulfilling your role well, please remember this…

YOU are the perfect person to be the Step Mama of your Stepbaby.

YOU were hand picked by God to be your Stepchild’s bonus Mama.

I am the one that He chose for my stepdaughter.

YOU are going to continue to be awesome in all that you do, especially by extending God’s grace to your stepchild. 

If anyone in this life knows what they’re doing, it is God.  So can we just trust Him in that?  That He chose us for the job?

Let’s rephrase the sentence… “It’s because of you that I GET TO ______.”

It’s because of you that I get to be in this incredible position to love you as my own, teach you about Jesus, continue to learn how to be a better version of myself.

It’s because of you that I met your Daddy and embark in an incredible marriage together.

It’s because of you that I get to see life through your eyes when you share your visions with me.

It’s because of you that I GET TO be your Step Mama. 

Here’s that hack I mentioned at the beginning.

Lastly, someone to think about shedding forgiveness over and not holding resentment towards is the other parent involved.

Some may be thinking, we don’t spend time together, we don’t “really” interact, I have no desire to be around them, etc.  I get it, we are human and we may not instinctively think about throwing good vibes their way.

I promise it is well worth it.

It may not be easy.

It may force you to do something you are completely uncomfortable with. 

But isn’t that when God works in the most incredible ways?  Ya know… like when we trust Him whole-heartedly and go out of our comfort zone?

Okay, you ready for the secret sauce to get you on the path to forgiveness and to actually rid your heart of resentment towards your stepchild’s other parent? 

Pray.

Pray for them.

Pray for them with your spouse.

Pray for your hearts as well.

Ya’ll this honestly was one of the hardest things that my husband and I have done together.

But also one of the most rewarding.

You don’t have to go running to them to tell them the transformations happening in your heart towards them, but I promise if you LET God move in this area, HE WILL.

There have been times that would’ve automatically thrown me into frustration about a certain topic before this heart change.

Due to allowing God to move in our hearts, we have a much better relationship with my stepdaughter and her other parents. 

You guys.  We are 100% human.  Had you asked us three years ago if we would actually spend time together at gatherings and laugh/joke together, we all probably would’ve laughed at that idea.

Things are so different now.  And so much easier.

Ultimately the choice was made to make it easy for my stepdaughter.  We didn’t want there to be anger and comments made about the other parents.

She deserves to have supportive parents from every angle.  And that is exactly what she gets.

Choosing to deal with the anger and resentment my husband and I both felt at one point, has truly made such a positive impact on where we are today.

I understand that no two stories are the same.  I understand that there was likely some hurt that people felt in the process of splitting up.  I understand that.  I was a part of that as a child and as a stepparent.

So I really do feel for you.

I also believe with every ounce of me that God is SO good and He heals the brokenhearted. We just have to allow Him to.

He does the unlikely.

HE is who deserves the credit.

Let Him be the Waymaker in your life too.

Strive towards a civil relationship with your stepchild’s parents.  Do it for them, mama.  And do it for you. 

It is well worth it. 

This does not mean that you have to be best friends and spend every weekend together.  Let’s be honest, that’d probably be a tad weird.

BUT.  You can do things together.  You can have a BBQ that your stepchild gets to have all their parents at.  You can have some holidays together.  You can help each other out.

We are called to Love our neighbors. 

Just start with a simple breath prayer asking God to soften your heart towards them. 

Do it again. And again.

Thank God for them and for giving you the opportunity to be a Step Mama. 

If I (a stubborn, hard-headed, passionate lady) can do it, I PROMISE that you can too.

There is nothing that God can’t forgive.  There is not anything that doesn’t count on The Cross that Jesus laid his life on. 

Jesus did it for you.  Step alongside the Good ‘Ol JC and let his actions help transform your heart.

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is-his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans 12:2

Pray for their other Mama.

You won’t regret it.

XO,
Bri